Ridiculous Apple Dramedy

Dramatis Personae

Apple (AP.)

AnalCyst (ANL.)

TechXpert (TEX.)

Markaotic Chorus (MRKT.)

-----

Act 1, Scene 1

Stage: The street, some random web property. Any one of so many indistinguishable articles.

TechXpert (TEX.)

    As cited from another article.

Win v. Mac PC redux. Doomed!

AnalCyst (ANL.)

    As cited from a report to clients.

Disruption from low-end,
Modular always wins;
Revising estimates:
Lowering revenues.

    Meanwhile...

Box or side balcony: A press room, through the wires.

Apple (AP.)

    Speaks through megaphone.

Sorry, can't build fast enough.

    Exit.

Markaotic Chorus (MRKT.)

    Caped and draped in red and green and hanging overhead, flying hither and yon.

Supply issues! Selloff.

    Exeunt after Apple.

-----

Act 1, Scene 2

Stage: A small apartment, study.

    Enter TechXpert, sits in front of MacBook Air.

TEX.

    Reads out loud while typing (backdrop video projection of screen detail).

Apple must ... fend off ... Android ... onslaught.

    Pauses in thought. Opens PDF of AnalCyst's report.

ANL.

    Offstage voice.

Saturation, commoditizing, "good enough" for sure.
The dilemma is present, this doctor says so.
A cure, tho painful, exists, and by gosh I've got it:
Trade strength in price, margins, for unit share
To be or not be disrupted, a bottoms race would tell.

Perchance, to survive.

TEX.

Nooo! I mean, yessss!

    Scoffs. Then, as if mad, awkwardly impersonates a supposedly cute cat, rubbing paws together.

Must haz chip iPhone! Nowz!

   LOLz with pleasure, rather tastelessly. Googles "cook cheap iphone" (backdrop video projection of screen detail). Clicks on big media link.

Box balcony: Big media, an interview.

    Enter Apple and Markaotic Chorus

AP.

We don't do cheap.

MRKT.

    Hovering above Apple.

Elitist and arrogant! The new MSFT.
Rangebound at best, instead get into...

    Flies over audience.

DELL activism,
HPQ turnaround,
Or even RIMM or NOK
For an M/A play.

    Exeunt.

-----

Act 2, Scene 1

Stage: Apple campus, a small theater. Morning.

    Enter Apple

AP.

    To audience.

Here's our new stuff.
We think it's great.
Not cheap, you see?

    Exit.

Box balcony: A gadget blog, the comments section. Noon.

    AnalCyst and TechXpert sitting, MBAs on lap, visit the latter's early morning rumor roundup post, boisterously hitting the comments.

ANL.

    Reads from comments.

iRadio the only innovation?
No iTV, iWatch, iNFC!?

    Aside.

Evolutionary.

TEX.

    Reads, snickering.

OMG and... NSA!! Fail. Doomed.

    Markaotic Chorus glides in, hastily.

MRKT.

CEO can't innovate. This can't be!
Oust him, we say. But who to bring?
No matter, big selloff.

    Exeunt.

-----

Act 2, Scene 2

Box balcony: Press room, a couple of days later.

    Enter Apple.

AP.

    Through megaphone.

We have sold over ninety zillion.
Thanks.

    Exit.

Stage: The street, just outside press room.

    Enter AnalCyst, TechXpert, Markaotic Chorus.

ANL.

No way, I can't be that wrong.
Channel fill! It must be.

TEX.

Yeah, full... err, what he said.
Lies!

MRKT.

    Swirling above.

Inventory glut, run!
Selloff! C'mon selloff! We said...

    Storms out. Selloff does not ensue.

TEX.

What's happening?

ANL.

Well, seems to me, a good chorus Markaotic is not.
Come, we have work to do. Ever gone to Asia?

    Exeunt after Markaotic Chorus.

-----

Act 2 Scene 3

Stage: Somewhere in Asia. The rumor mill.

    Enter AnalCyst, leading TechXpert along.

ANL.

    Whispering.

Production halved. Revising unit estimates.

TEX.

    Shouts.

Ooh really? It's a dud! Surface RT redux.

    To audience, whispering.

Click-whoring tip: whenever Fate brings
Portends upon Apple, you should always invoke,
Reduce and refer to some Microsoft theme.
Any will do, just combine and ignite! Eyeballs galore.

ANL.

Dear God, no need to explain this all.

TEX.

Haha! Indeed, a true chorus is back, as I.
May Nemesis bite me!

    Exeunt.

Box balcony: Press room.

    Markaotic Chorus drifts in.

MRKT.

    Whispers.

Huge Surface-like write-off? Maybe.
Ask Apple, tell Apple. Bad management.
Why do this and not that? So stupid.
No selloff? Oh well, hmm... boring!

    Shouts.

Buy GOOG! That's it.

    Exit, and it's done. Enter Apple.

AP.

We don't comment on rumors.

    Exit.

-----

Act 3, Scene 1

Box balcony: A conference call. One afternoon a couple of weeks later.

    Enter Apple.

AP.

    Through megaphone.

I would like to review our outlook of
Over nineee thousaaaannnnndd godzillion dollars.
With that, we're open for questions.

Stage: TV newsroom.

    AnalCyst and TechXpert sitting at round table. Markaotic Chorus suspended above.

ANL.

Weak dollar effect, safe to ignore.

TEX.

Wait, how many billions and billions of dollars was that?

But, but... we all know Scamphones sold more, 'cause they said sooo.

Bah! There's that thing called the LAW of large numbers, hellooo?
Yes, once again, Apple's totally doomed for getting so fat.

MRKT.

    In a frenzy.

To rally or tank. What to believe?

Don't think, never think just react!
No time left for analcysts nor xpertise.
Doesn't matter at all, just follow along.
And the answer today is just...

Buy, buy, buy!

    Curtain.